So, this post is going to be a bit cryptic because I'm not going to post exactly what's wrong, but am going to post some of my feelings about it. There are some things going on in my life that are leaving me confused, frustrated, upset, sad, worried...well, pick an emotion and I'm probably experiencing it. I don't know exactly how I feel about it all.

On one hand, I'm scared to death. I'm afraid of the changes I might be facing. I'm afraid of not being able to handle the changes. I'm afraid of hurting the people that I love the most. I'm afraid of not being strong enough to do the things I need to do. I'm afraid of making changes, only to realize later it was the biggest mistake of my life. I'm afraid of failing my children. I'm afraid of failing myself. I'm afraid of...all sorts of things.

On the other hand, however, I'm relieved. I'm relieved to finally be doing what I feel needs to be done. I'm relieved to finally be proactive about the things that have been bothering me. I'm relieved to finally be strong enough to do the things that have needed to be done for a very long time. I'm relieved to know that things will be changing...one way or another, things will change.

So, things can go one of two ways. Either things will stay pretty much the same, only we'll all be much happier, or things will change DRASTICALLY. I'm sincerely hoping for the former over the latter. However, oddly enough, I have a sense of calm in regards to the latter. Perhaps it's because I don't think it will come to that, or perhaps it's because I realize that if it needs to happen, it's the best thing for all involved. I feel confident in the choices I'm making...more confident than I have in a very long time.

However, in the meantime, the uncertainty of the situation and the overload of emotions is pretty much all consuming. While I may feel a sense of calm in regards to one possible outcome, it still scares the heck out of me. There is so much unknown where that decision is concerned. So much of my life can become so screwed up with one choice. I know that things will work out no matter which way things go. They always do. Somehow, no matter what's going on in life, things have a way of working out. It still scares me, fills me with sorrow, dread, anger...yeah, all the bad emotions.

I feel as if I'm just going through the motions right now. Things are raw and painful. I do mundane little things and feel like they're so pointless when my world feels like it's falling down around me. However, it's these mundane things that allow me to hold it together. They keep me going, doing the things that need to get done to take care of my family and keep life together for everyone. That's my job, afterall, is it not? Taking care of my family...that's what's most important. Doing the best thing for everyone involved...most especially the people who depend on me for everything...for life itself. In the grand scheme of things, that's what I'm responsible for. It's time to live up to those responsibilities.