My mother in law is down here visiting! The kids were aboslutely thrilled to see her. She had never seen Sera before, so it was very nice that she was able to come visit while Sera is still little. She lives in Hawaii, so it's not exactly easy to come and visit! We're planning on hopefully getting out there to visit her next summer. My personal preference would be to go sans kids, but that wouldn't be fair to the grandparents. We know it's not us they're interested in seeing. LOL

So, the three older kids spent the night at the hotel with my mother in law last night. I'm sure they had a blast. They called me today from pool side where they had ordered room service and were happily chowing down on hotdogs and french fries! Then she took them to Starbucks to get drinks. They have her wrapped around their little fingers. I don't mind though, I'm getting an iced latte out of the deal when they get home ;)

We didn't see any fireworks or anything yesterday. That was a bit of a bummer. I'm semi glad though as they probably would have woken up the babies, which is always a pain in the butt. However, it didn't really feel like the fourth without fireworks!

The fourth of July brings me mixed emotions. We used to go to Aptos beach, have a fire, play in the ocean and watch fireworks. After my dad died...we didn't do that anymore. It's just too difficult to continue old family traditions. They feel so empty without him around. He was always the one that made days at the beach so much fun...building sand castles, burying us in the sand, making food, etc. He was always so happy and full of life. I have so many fond memories of days at the beach with my dad. Now, the beach just doesn't hold the same charm. It seems cold and dirty and just an all around pain to be at. Funny, I didn't notice the bad things about the beach when my dad was around. I hate feeling this way though because I know my children LOVE the beach. We used to go every Friday after Drake got home from work. I hate it there though. I'm hoping that one day, happy memories of my dad will be just that...happy. That they won't make me think about what I'm missing, but will fill me with happiness thinking about the great times I had. That time hasn't come though.

Happy memories of my dad just fill me with an emptiness right now. Heck, I can't even make the same foods he did. I used to cook all the same meals I ate growing up. I can't do it anymore. When I do, all I think about is how it doesn't taste anywhere near as good as when my dad made it, or how something is missing from the meal, but I can't figure out what and I should just be able to call my dad and ask, "What did I leave out?" and he would know right away. I have a difficult time doing anything that reminds me of my dad...which includes visiting family. No matter how much I miss my family and hate being away from them, I think a part of me is happy I live so far away. It keeps me from having a constant, right there in my face, reminder that my dad is gone. At least down here, I can pretend I just live far away and that's why I don't see him and for small amounts of time, I can pretend that he's up there with mom and that everthing is happy and normal. It's nice to be able to disassociate yourself from things once in a while. But, I also worry that that disassociation keeps me from being as close to my family as I should be. I feel guilty for not being there for them. I feel guilty for not helping my mom when she doesn't have my dad there to help her. I feel guilty for missing out on family things. I feel especially guilty for not wanting to participate in family things. It's just so difficult on me. I also feel guilty for being so selfish. It's difficult on everyone. I don't miss him any more or less than the rest of my siblings do. Why should I think what I feel is so special or so unique? Yet, my siblings manage to be there for my family. They manage to help my mom, spend time with her, participate in family functions. All I want to do is sit in my car and cry when I'm faced with going in my mom's home, knowing my dad won't be there.