My mother in law is coming to visit tomorrow, and yet I sit here on the computer instead of cleaning. I look around me and see how much I need to do, but just don't have the motivation to do any of it. I don't have the motivation to do much of anything these days.

I don't know what's wrong with me, but there's definitely something wrong. I'm constantly short with my kids. Wow, that's the understatement of the century. I try to avoid my kids because when I'm around them, all I do is yell at them. I literally screamed at the top of my lungs at Caitlin the other day for something stupid. When I was done, I just ran to my room and cried. How could I do that to my precious little girl?

I don't want to do anything but sleep, but I can't sleep. The past few nights I haven't gone to bed at all. My schedule is all out of whack, my anger is through the roof.

My kids can't even touch me without me getting irritated. Cole tried to hug me the other day and I told him to leave me alone. A few minutes later he tried to hug me again and I told him, "If you touch me one more time, I will spank you." It's not like I would...it was a totally empty threat since I don't spank. However, I've found myself this || close to spanking my children a few times in the past few weeks. Caitlin often comes up behind me when I'm on the computer and puts her hand on my shoulder. I've snapped at her every time she's done it lately. "GET AWAY FROM ME!!!!!" Why on earth am I acting like this? I keep trying to be more patient. I keep trying to make more time that I want to spend with my kids. I keep trying to make it so I'm not irritated when they want to hug me, but I just can't do it. I just don't know what's wrong with me.

I took a stupid online test the other day that is supposed to help diagnose post partum depression. Here are the scores and what they're supposed to mean:

Less than 40 =MILD adjustment difficulties;
41-69 =MODERATE-SEVERE Depression and Anxiety
70+ =SEVERE DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY

I scored a 76.

I'm thinking of going into my OB/GYN and talking to him about it, but he'll probably just put me on Zoloft, which may very well be what I need, but anti depressants scare me...especially since Sera is relying 100% on my breast milk. I don't want that crap getting into her system. I'm the crazy one, not her LOL They say that Zoloft is the best SSRI to take while nursing, but that all of them pass through breastmilk so they're not 100% safe. I hate the fact that the crazies in my head might lead me to needing something that will possibly affect Sera. However, I just can't continue on the way I've been going. Something needs to change and so far, I've been unable to change it myself. My kids don't deserve to be treated the way I've been treating them. My family doesn't deserve to live in squalor because I can't find the motivation or the will to clean. Something needs to change. I can't keep living like this. It's not fair to anyone.

Speaking of antidepressants, have I mentioned how yummy Tom Cruise is? Too bad he's short :( He's still stunning though. He's been under fire a lot lately for the things he said about Brooke Shields and her use of anti depressants for her post partum depression. I don't see what the big deal about what he said was. Yes, he definitely shouldn't have said it on Oprah in front of God and the world when speaking specifically about Brooke Shields, but I can't say that I disagree with his sentiments.

He never once said that post partum depression doesn't exist or isn't real. What he did say was that antidepressants just mask the real problem, which is true. They don't fix the problem. If they did, a person would just go on antidepressants, like antibiotics, then after a certain amount of time or a certain dosage, would be "better." But, that's now how it works. They're a crutch to help you get through a period of time (or the rest of your life, in some cases) until things balance themselves out in your brain and body. Now, here's where Tom Cruise and I differ...I'm all for using a crutch if you need it However, I do believe that there is something to be said for a change of diet and exercise in combatting many of the problems that doctors seem to just automatically medicate these days.

Zoloft, as well as many of the other drugs women take for post partum depression, is an SSRI (Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor). It basically works by increasing the amount of time that seratonin sits in the synapses of your brain cells, allowing your brain to recognize the seratonin multiple times and "use" it more efficiently. It doesn't cure you of depression. It just gives you more time for your brain to use the "happy drug" that your body naturally produces.

From http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Selective_serotonin_reuptake_inhibitor :

Some say that the supposed biological causes of depression, which SSRIs were designed for, have never in fact been proven scientifically. They claim that there is no scientific evidence for the existence of the disorders that SSRIs are designed to treat, or that they are based on a chemical imbalance of the brain, or that SSRIs effectively handle this chemical imbalance.

Allen J. Frances, professor of psychiatry at Duke University Medical Center writes: "psychiatry’s claim that mental illnesses are brain diseases... is not true. There are no objective diagnostic tests to confirm or disconfirm the diagnosis of depression... There is no blood or other biological test to ascertain the presence or absence of a mental illness, as there is for most bodily diseases. If such a test were developed... then the condition would cease to be a mental illness and would be classified, instead, as a symptom of a bodily disease."

The mode of action of these antidepressant drugs on their direct target, the serotonin transport protein, and possible regulatory mechanisms with respect to long-term alleviation of depression, although having been investigated both neurobiologically and clinically over the last years, are not yet understood.

So, people can jump all over him all they want and many may disagree with me, but I don't think that the things he says are all horrible and doing a horrible disservice to depressed people everywhere like I've seen claimed by so many others. I think that people need to weigh the pros and cons of things with every choice they make and hear both sides to make as informed of a decision as they can. I think that all too often, people don't look into alternative ways of getting better and just go straight to the drugs without thinking about the negative effects these things have on our bodies.