Okay, so I don't need Calgon to take me away. That would require actually staying in my house...which is what I don't want to do. lol Well, that and I hate baths...just what I want to do...sit in my own filth. I don't care if I shower before hand, I'm still just sitting there marinating in whatever was left on the bathtub after my shower, whatever didn't come clean when I cleaned the tub, and whatever may be left on my body after I shower...gross. I mean, really...who does that? How can you sit there in a bath and not think about all the gross stuff that is floating around in the water that you're sitting in...ewwwwww. Baths give me the heebie jeebies just thinking about them.

Oh, and while I'm on this tangent, let me ask you this...who would EVER go in one of those "rent a hot tub" type of places. You KNOW random people have sex in those hot tubs...then you go and sit in them. EWWWWWWWWWW. There was a hot tub place near where I grew up. It grossed me out just driving by it. I mean, really...who goes in those places? And if you do, why do you go? To have sex, right? Do you REALLY think you're the ONLY person having sex in that hot tub that you're in? Think about it. Ewwwwwwwww. I won't even sleep in my own wet spot...like I want to BATHE in someone elses. EWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

I was reading this message board about where to pick up hookers. I don't remember why I was reading it...trust me, I wasn't looking for a hooker. No need to go to a message board for that. Hollywood Blvd, here I come! Anyways, I was reading up on the forum specifically for the area I grew up in. Where was THE place to take your hooker after picking her up? Why, the rent a hot tub place, of course. Lovely. And to think people actually sit in that water for HOURS. Granted, I'm sure they drain the tub between uses. (Or rather, I certainly HOPE so) but still...does it ALL drain away? I think not. What if you go under the water? Now all of that stuff is on your FACE...and up your NOSE...and down your throat....ewwwwwwwwwwww.

Okay, enough of that...I'm grossing myself out. Now, where was I? Oh yes, I need to get away. Tonight I went to a barbecue at the home of one of Drake's friends. It certainly was nice to get out and it was very nice of this couple to open their home to our family. Drake said to me, "You're finally out of the house...are you having fun?" I told him that I was. However, I had kids running around the yard, getting dangerously close to the barbecue, kids bugging all of the adults there, asking for piggy back rides, asking for drinks, etc, a baby who was tired and screaming...while it was nice to get out, it still felt like a chore. Honestly, it's easier to just stay home. I like going out. I like hanging out with people my age. I just always feel like such a nuisance with all of these kids and I just feel like I can't really enjoy myself because I'm constantly having to deal with the kids. I realize this is what I signed myself up for when I had kids. I just wish I could get out without the kids every once in a while. I would LOVE to go out with Drake and his friends...without the kids. I want them to realize I'm more than just Drake's wife, and the woman with the five million crazy kids who are constantly clamoring for the attention of everyone. I want them to know that I'm not really a fuddy duddy and that I can actually be *gasp* fun. Sadly, I don't really know if I can be anymore. lol It's been so long since I've actually gone out with a group of people without my kids that I don't know if I can be social and be anything other than wife/mother. What on earth would I talk about? What if I turned out to be a complete social bore?

I took the kids to the movies today. Drake asked me if the movie we saw was in the large theater or the small theater. I told him I had no idea because I had never been to that movie theater before. He asked, "Really? You've never been to that theater before?" Then I told him that I hadn't been to ANY movie theater down here. I have lived in San Diego for three years now and had never seen a movie down here. This morning was the first time I've been to a theater in San Diego. Sad, isn't it? Even worse...I saw "Cliffords Really Big Movie." Yeah, not quite the thriller one would hope for for their first trip to the movies. lol We're going to see "Cheaper By the Dozen" tomorrow. Woohooo!

Yeah, lots of whining and complaining today. It's my blog and I'll bitch if I want to.

Woohooo, we're planning a trip to Disneyland!!! I cannot even begin to explain the love I have for Disneyland. I'm a bit of a Disneyland freak. Sadly, we've never taken our kids before and I haven't been to Disneyland in over eight years.

So, we figure that we need to plan to do it now or it will never happen, or it won't happen until after we've moved away from southern California, which really just seems dumb. Oh no, don't go when you're only two hours away from Disneyland...wait until it's a ten hour drive before you go! Yeah, not too smart. So, we're thinking a day or so of visiting family up there, a couple of days at the park, then back home. We're really hoping to stay at the Disneyland hotel. However, at $241/night, we're not too sure about that. I think the kids would love it though.

The kids have started up a Disneyland fund. I think they have about $11 in it so far. I told them they need to raise $1200.00. lol They think they can do it though! What they don't know is that I have my own hidden Disneyland fund that has a bit more money in it then theirs has. lol (And before you come to my house and break in, hoping to find this hidden Disneyland fund, I'll tell you that it's so hidden you'll never find it in my house...it's in the bank. So, don't start your life of crime by breaking into my house!)

I'm absolutely thrilled at the thought of taking my kiddos to Disneyland. It truly is a very memorable experience.

Oh my goodness, my kids are driving me absolutely up the freaking wall!!!! I think I've just been extra touchy lately. I have no idea why. Oh, and I'm NOT pregnant, so at least I know that's not the reason. lol Every.little.thing has been wearing on my nerves. My boys are extremely attached to me. If they are near me, for some reason they HAVE to be touching me. They'll either be rubbing my arm, holding my hand, putting their hand on my shoulder, etc. It's very sweet, but lately I just haven't wanted to be touched and they are CONSTANTLY touching me. Then there is the CONSTANT bickering amongst the kids. They have to argue about EVERYTHING...even if they agree with eachother!! It's driving me absolutely insane. I've found myself snapping and yelling a lot lately. I hate it. Just the sound of their voices is enough to make me want to crawl out of my skin. I know that's a terrible way to feel when it comes to your kids, but I just can't help it for some reason. Of course, it doesn't help that Cole doesn't have an inside voice and all of the kids insist on talking at the same time...and try to talk over a screaming baby. Sometimes I just wish they could just realize that when the baby is screaming is NOT a good time for every single one of them to start asking me a million questions all at once.

I have no idea what's going on. I've just been in such a lousy mood lately. I just want to lock myself in my room and stay there for a few days. I just don't want to deal with life. It's all just too much for me right now.

I'm trying to think of something that will allow me to start off the next paragraph with, "On a lighter note..." but I just can't come up with anything. Now the baby is crying, so I have to end. Ugh. I'll think of something cheery to write about later.

I hate leaving things on a sad note, so I thought I'd post this little slideshow of some pictures that were taken yesterday at the kids tae kwon do belt advancement ceremonies and at the Wild Animal Park. Enjoy :)

First and foremost, Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there. There...I started off the blog entry on a good note. Sadly, I don't think I'll end it on one.

I don't know if it's because of father's day or just one of those weeks, but I've been missing my dad terribly. Honestly, not a day has gone by in the past week or two that I haven't been in tears thinking about my dad. I was driving to the Wild Animal Park yesterday and we passed a sign advertising beef jerky. That made me think of the incredible beef jerky my dad used to make. Seriously...you cannot buy beef jerky that comes anywhere close to comparing to the awesome stuff my dad used to make. The next thing I knew, my thoughts turned to his last few days on this earth. He couldn't talk, he could barely breathe, he was having seizure after seizure, but he would look at us and smile and once in a while he could even squeeze our hand. I can't think about how scared he must have been, knowing he was dying...how much pain he must have been in because the medicine didn't even seem to touch his pain...yet, he would smile at us and squeeze our hand to reassure us. Even on his deathbed, his thoughts were of us and his concern was not for himself, but for his family. It seems so unfair that such an incredible man was taken from us at such a young age. I almost had to pull over because I could barely see through the tears while I was driving.

More and more often I find myself remembering the good times I shared with my dad rather than his last few days, which were the most horrible days of my life. It used to be that when I thought of my dad, I could picture and think of nothing but the way he was his last four days of life. Every once in a while though, I can think of something fun we did together, or a conversation we had that meant a lot to me. Sadly, usually after thinking of those things...and they might even bring a smile to my face...I think of him dying and I end up in tears again. I can't seem to get rid of the pain. It's been over four years since he died, yet the pain feels as strongly as it did right after he died. I was told that it would get easier and that one day, thoughts of him would make me smile rather than cry. When on earth is that going to happen?

I feel horribly selfish because I'm so tired of hurting. I just don't want to feel this pain anymore. I don't want to cry over him anymore. I want to just be happy with my memories of him. I want to stop thinking about how much he suffered. I want to stop thinking about how hard it must be for my little brothers and sisters to grow up without a dad. I want to stop thinking about how unfair it is that Isaac, Taleisha and Chelsie had to go through losing their dad, then their mom, then our dad. I want to stop thinking about all of the primary kids who prayed and prayed and prayed that their bishop would live, only to have him die and them wonder why their prayers didn't work. I am just tired of hurting over the loss of my dad.

I was reading the blog of a friend of mine and her last entry had me absolutely sobbing because it explained my feelings exactly...yet made me face how selfish I was being for feeling the way I was feeling. She had a quote from the movie, Batman Begins, that goes:

That impossible anger
strangling the grief...



...until the memory
of your loved one is just...



...poison in your veins.



And one day, you catch yourself wishing
the person you loved had never existed...



...so you'd be spared your pain.

I love my dad with everything I have. I am so very blessed to have had him in my life...to raise me...to guide me...to love me. I'm just so tired of the pain.

Caitlin, Emma and Ethan had a tae kwon do tournament yesterday. It was Cole's very first tournament. Each of them participated in both events...sparring and kata.

Cole competed first. He was in a group of about twenty kids ages 4-7, all white belts like him. Only three of them seemed to have a kata prepared. The rest just stood there and the judge had to tell them, "Okay, show me a kick. Now show me a block. Now, show me a double punch." I was really worried that Cole would forget the kata he had prepared or that he wouldn't realize that he was supposed to perform his kata because none of the other kids were. Apparently I had nothing to worry about! He got up there, stood at attention, did ready position, yelled, "JUDGES, MY NAME IS COLE!" then did his kata PERFECTLY!!!!! He didn't forget a single move, he was confident and he did it the best I had ever seen him do it! I guess all of his hard work and practice paid off in the end. He had been practicing SO hard. For weeks he had practiced his kata daily. He would sit there, eating dinner, going over the moves in his mind, saying the things he was supposed to be doing. "Attention...bow...ready position...judges my name is...fighting stance kiyup...four corner block...double punch...slide step...front kick...step behind side kick...attention...bow." I heard him repeating that constantly for weeks. I couldn't have been more proud of him. He didn't place in that competition, but he did his absolute best and he was incredible.

Next came sparring. He was totally robbed of that one! The judge totally messed up. It was a bit irritating. First, she called a point for the other boy, when it totally should have been Cole's point. I'm not sure if she got them mixed up or what, but the boy didn't even touch Cole and Cole punched him, but she called a point for a punch, but in the other boy's favor. Two points for Cole later, she called the score, "Two to one..." IN THE OTHER BOY'S FAVOR!!!! What a load of crap. Then, the boy got another point, so while they should have been tied up (well, actually, Cole should have already won except they gave the wrong kid the first point) she called the other boy as the winner. So, in all, Cole got three points and the other boy got one, but because of the judge's mistakes, the other boy won :( That kid actually ended up with third place. Who knows how well Cole would have done had the judge not made those mistakes. Judges ruling is final though, so we couldn't argue it. Cole seemed oblivious and was just thrilled to be competing, so we let it go.

Then came the girl's competitions. They started with sparring. There were ten girls in their grouup they were competing against. They did an AMAZING job! They ended up having to fight eachother for third and fourth place. Emma beat Caitlin, giving Emma third place and Caitlin fourth!

Next came their kata competition. Emma and Caitlin were in diffferent divisions so they didn't have to compete against eachother for this part. They both did an amazing job and both had some stiff competition. I was sitting in front of Emma's ring, but was watching Caitlin's competition in the other ring because Emma wasn't up yet. They got through all of Caitlin's group, then starting calling people back up to show them their kata again. You can usually tell who is going to place in the competition by watching who they call back up. They call back up the ones they want to see again so they can make their final decision. I was bummed when they didn't call Caitlin, or her friend from class, Declan, back up. :( After the four they called back up were done, they announced the winners. DECLAN GOT FIRST AND CAITLIN GOT SECOND!!!! Apparently they had already decided first and second place and were just trying to figure out third and fourth when they called people back up!!!! You should have seen the HUGE smile on Caitlin's face when she got called. She, too, had figured that she didn't place when she didn't get called back up. Emma didn't place in her division, but I was so incredibly proud of her. She did her kata the best I have ever seen her do it and she has been working so hard. She was a little bummed that Caitlin got another trophy and she didn't, but she sucked it up, told Caitlin how happy she was for her, gave her a hug and told her congratulations.

We had an awesome time and I'm just so pleased with my children. They have been working so hard, practicing everyday and it really paid off. On Saturday they are attending their belt promotion ceremony. Cole is becoming a yellow belt and both girls will get their purple belts, then advance to purple belt, second degree because they are currently doing double promotion, which allows them double advancement each session.

After the tournament, the kid's instructor, Matt, came up to me and told me, "I've been hearing some wonderful things about Cole and his kata. All I'm hearing is that he totally got robbed," which is funny because when I was in the bathroom, some woman I don't know came up to me and said, "Your boy did such a good job with his kata. He should have gotten the big trophy."

During the awards ceremony, Declan's mom came up to me and told me that she and her husband were talking to Matt a couple of days earlier and he was telling them how proud he was of my girls and how well they were doing and what an incredible couple of kids they were. I always love to hear that kind of stuff. lol

If they keep it up, Emma will be a black belt when she is seven and Caitlin will when she is nine! It's funny to think that these tiny little girls will have their black belts! Cole is starting to think about possibly doing double promotion. However, I think what we'll do next session is have him take two classes, but not do double promotion. I just don't think he's ready for that quite yet. If he starts doing double promotion, he'll be a black belt shortly after he turns seven! Crazy...just crazy. I'll have all these little karate masters running around my house. Sera learned a new little trick yesterday. She says "Aiyah!" and punches! It's too cute! If you say, "Aiya!" she starts punching away. You know you're around karate a lot when your one year old is starting to learn some moves!