So, Drake is actually home this week. (It seems like almost every other post starts with "Drake is away on business again," or something to that effect) However, even though he's here, he's not "here." He's been working a ton, which sucks, and he's been going out with friends...which is good. I sincerely believe that everyone needs to spend time with their friends. I've mentioned this in many of my past entries. I just wish I had friends to spend time with. LOL So, Drake is out bowling tonight. He's made plans to do this just about every week, which is great. He really enjoys it. I would just like to see him more. :( I want him home, but I want him to go out with friends...there's just no pleasing me. I was hoping he could get home early from work today (like around 5 or so) but, no such luck...he got home around 7:30, showered and got ready, then left at 8:30. He is expected home in about fifteen minutes (12:15 am or so) I can't wait to see him, but I'm so dang tired that chances are, I'm just going to fall asleep. Ugh.

That being said, I'm trying to find someone to go see Cirque Du Soleil's Quidam with me sometime next month. I've emailed Seth, but haven't heard back from him. (Granted, I just emailed him today) I would go with Drake, but of course, don't have a babysitter. Other than those two people, I don't really know of anyone to go with. I could ask Tara (the gal who lives down the street from me) but I don't know her all that well and feel odd saying, "Hey, want to spend anywhere from $35 to $180 to go out with me?" Yeah, I just don't think we're at that point yet. lol The worst thing is...I can make plans to go, then end up not being able to go because Drake has to be away on a business trip that day or something. There's never any good amount of warning for his business trips, so I can really never plan anything in advance, which you want to do with these tickets or you'll have crappy seats. UGH, sometimes I hate his work.

I'm watching Amityville Horror right now. Wow, freaky psychotic movie. I have to keep busy (hence the reason I'm writing in my blog) or I totally freak out. I hate being alone...and yet I thought it was wise to watch this movie...all alone...in the dark. Yeah, I'm a bright one!

Anyways, Drake just called and said he is on his way home, so I'm going to end this now.

So, I got a penpal in the fifth grade. If I remember correctly, his teacher was my teacher's teacher when my teacher was in elementary school. Clear as mud? At least, I think that's how it worked. I really didn't pay all that much attention. It could have been that his teacher was my teacher's friend in school or something. I really don't know for sure. However, the first one sounds right to me. So anyways, my teacher told us that we were going to have penpals. He (Mr. Lynn...one of my favorite teachers EVER)told us that here wasn't a specific person we had been paired up with yet, but that each student from each class was going to write a letter starting with "Dear Penpal," then the teachers would read the letters and pair us up by common interests, etc. I think most letters written were about half a page long. Mine was six pages. The letter I got was from a boy...Seth. According to Mr. Lynn, we were paired up because we both wrote these really long letters, even though there wasn't a particular person we were writing to, so any two people who could ramble on for six pages to no one in particular deserved to be paired up. LOL Hey, what can I say. I like to write about myself ;) So, that was 16 years ago. Would you believe we're still writing? Granted, it's moved to email now. I actually have an entire box stuffed FULL of almost every letter he ever wrote me. I wish I had thought to print out all of the emails though. That would have been a good idea.

He moved from New Hampshire, to New York to go to college. He lived in New York from then until just this month, when he moved to...are you ready for this?...Is the suspense killing you?...LOS ANGELES!!!! Wooohooo, he's only two hours away from me! I'm so totally thrilled about this. We've only seen eachother twice. One time he came out to California specifically to see me, then another time he was out here visiting someone else, but made sure to visit me even though it was WAY out of his way. Now, we're hoping to meet up at least once a month. I'm totally stoked about this. It's odd how even though we've only actually seen eachother twice, I still consider him one of my closest friends. His friendship has lasted longer than any other friendship I have ever had. (Well, then there's Sean, who I've known pretty much my entire life, but there was quite the hiatus in our friendship after I moved away from Fremont until the passing of our parents renewed our friendship) Seth is the one person I feel like I can tell absolutely anything and everything to. He was the first person I called to cry to when I found out my dad was dying. He's the one person I can just let it all out to. It's odd how close two people can become through just the written word.

The thing I love the most about Seth...I'm so comfortable around him. The first time he came out to visit, I thought it would be so awkward. We had been writing back and forth for over a decade, but we had never actually met. He left a message on my answering machine on...hmmm, I want to say a Tuesday...that basically said, "I'd like to fly out to California to see you on Thursday if that's okay. Give me a call and let me know." Of course I said, "Please, come!" But, I was SO nervous! I had all of these horrible thoughts of, "What if we don't actually get along? What if he totally hates me? What if the first day here we get in some huge fight over something and it completely ruins this friendship? What if we're both two totally different people on paper than we are in real life?" Apparently I really had nothing to worry about. (Other than the baby's room FULL of clothes all over the floor that he wasn't supposed to go into, but did, which embarassed the heck out of me. I swear I had been sorting clothes for Good Will and just hadn't bagged them up yet!!!) From the moment I met him at the airport to the moment I dropped him off to go home, I felt like we had been friends our entire lives. There didn't seem to be a single awkward moment. Here's a pic from that trip. (This is us in San Francisco)

The next time he came to visit, all of the same fears returned. Again, no reason for those fears. Things were perfect.

So, now, even though both times he has visited my fears have been unfounded, I find myself fearing those things again. How stupid is that? This is the guy I've been friends with for almost two decades. He's been through EVERYTHING with me, if only through letters. He has given me more advice in my life than anyone else. He's listened while I cried over boys, he's listened while I bitched about my family and friends, he's listened while I poured my heart out over the fear of losing my dad. He's been the person I turn to when I have no one else to turn to, yet the fear of screwing things up and losing that friendship is still there.

Enough of that though...I'm SO excited about actually being able to spend a good amount of time with him, if only once a month or so!

A coworker of Drake's (also a good friend of his) is getting married this summer. They say to block out the weekend of their wedding because they're getting married in Northern California, so it's going to be a multiple day affair for us. So, I make the plans. We're going to drive up there, drop the kids off with my mom and spend a nice extra long weekend doing the wedding thing, then spending a couple of days, just Drake and me. (Our anniversary is right around that time) WOOOHOOO, four days with NO KIDS?!?!?!!?!?!!? HEAVEN! The last time I got to go out with Drake sans kids was about four years ago. I've NEVER had a full day, let alone a full NIGHT, let alone FOUR FULL DAYS AND THREE FULL NIGHTS with my husband and no kids. Add to that the fact that I get to see my family more than once this year and my friend Tracey, and I'm totally stoked!

Then, Drake springs it on me... Bridezilla is freaking out about the cost of the wedding, so she decides to scrap the whole big wedding idea and instead is having a small wedding with just family, then a small reception in northern California and a small one in southern California. So, there goes my chance to see my family. There goes my chance to see Tracey. There goes my chance to spend four days with my husband, sans kids. Instead I get to drag all five kids to a BBQ reception that I will be miserable at because my kids will be driving me crazy and I'll be wishing I had someone to babysit so I didn't have to take all the kids to the reception. It would be nice to be able to go somewhere and not feel like I have to leave early because the kids are getting crazy or people are drinking too much and I don't think it's a good environment for them to be in. For once I would like to stay the entire time and not tell Drake "Oh no, you stay...enjoy. I'll just take the kids home. There's no reason for you to have to leave early as well." Of course, I absolutely mean it...I want him to stay and have a good time. I just wish I could as well. Instead, I'm the one constantly holding the baby...making sure Ethan isn't getting into things...telling the kids not to run...telling the kids to stop asking random people for food...corraling the kids in the living room so they don't get in people's way. Social events are a chore...not a pleasure. I was really...REALLY...looking forward to this event. Now, I'm dreading it.

Of course, I realize it's not all about me. I'm just making it seem like it is ;) Whatever bridezilla...errrrrm, I mean, the bride...wants, she should get. It's her wedding, afterall. I'll just smile, say hello and congratulations, tell her how beautiful she looks, stay for my usual, "I'm here to be supportive and let you know that I value our friendship," amount of time, then go home. Yay, fun.

I told my mom that I wasn't going to be up there this summer. She was disappointed. She told me, "But you could always just come up anyways. It doesn't have to be for the wedding." Of course, when I bring that up to Drake he says, "There are so many other things we should be using that money for. It was going to cost us a fortune to get up there and stay up there, now we can use the money for things we need it for." This, of course, is absolutely true. Still, it makes me sad. I've honestly been looking forward to this since they got engaged and planned a northern California wedding...so, about a year or so.

So, for our anniversary, we'll just do what we do every year. Have a nice dinner (that I cook and clean up) with the kids and...yeah...nothing else.

Drake got home Saturday evening. We were all thrilled to see him. Now it's Monday and back to the same ol' same ol'. The kids have the day off of school today though, which is nice. They were hoping that Drake could take the day off of work so he could take them swimming, but alas, projects and deadlines forced him to go into work. He's hoping to take a few days off in the upcoming weeks though. He's on salary, so he doesn't get paid overtime, so he tries to take paid days off when he works a lot of extra hours. (I think he worked seventy something hours last week) It will be nice to have him home a few days. I wish the kids were home as well on those days though. He might actually have to fly back out to Florida tomorrow and be there through Saturday. He's not sure if they're going to do that though since it's so last minute. He has to be prepared for it though. If not, he probably won't leave again until mid February...just in time to miss Cole's birthday :(

I can't believe my little Valentine's baby is going to be FOUR!!! Oh my goodness, where does the time go? Four is like...not a baby anymore! Then again, I'm going to be 27 this year. I don't feel like I'm going to be 27. I feel like 27 is old...and I'm not! Goodness, just three more years until 30! That's just crazy. I see parents that are actually younger than me. That was really rare for a long time. Granted, people don't usually become parents as teenagers, so I suppose that could be why. But anyways, I'm starting to feel like I'm getting old. I don't actually feel like I'm getting old, but 27 sure does sound like I'm getting old. It's just crazy. Granted, I have a child turning 8 this year, so I guess I probably am getting older.

Anyhow, that's about all for now. I swear one of these days my blahg IS going to be interesting!

Do you ever have one of those days that you just feel like screaming? Where nothing seems to go right and you feel like if someone so much as looks at you wrong, you're going to lose it? Well, that's been today for me. I feel like I'm on the verge of completely losing it, trashing my house, then torching it. Okay, I wouldn't really do that, but the thought has crossed my mind. The kids aren't listening, the finances aren't looking good. The baby is unusually fussy. Okay, forget fussy...she prettty much hasn't stopped screaming all day, Caitlin's being...well, Caitlin. She's my....ummmm....difficult? Spirited? Incorrigible? one. Don't get me wrong...I wouldn't give up my life for anything. Sometimes I just need a break though. One of those times happens to be now. Usually when I've gotten to this point I can just tell Drake that I'm going grocery shopping. That gives me about an hour to calm down, relax, and gather myself again. Unfortunately, Drake is across the country. So, that leaves me here, ready to just lose it. Unfortunately, I'm the "responsible adult" so that just isn't allowed. Goodness, sometimes I just wish I was a teenager again. What I wouldn't give to just throw something and break it for no good reason except it would probably make me feel better!

So, instead, you get to read about it. I find that I can calm down a bit if I've written it all down. It gives me an outlet, and apparently I want a public one. Very not my style. This whole blahg thing really isn't my style, but whatever. It's not like anyone reads this! If you're reading this, I'm sorry, you must have as much of a life as I do ;)

So, Drake has been gone for a few days now. Each day, Ethan goes to the door and asks if we're going to go pick up daddy. Each day he's disappointed when I tell him that Drake is still in Florida and won't be home until Saturday night.

Last night Ethan was crying, so I went in to see what was wrong. He was still asleep, just crying in his sleep. He then started calling out for Drake. It broke my heart.

This morning he came up to me with a HUGE smile on his face and a backpack over his shoulders. He gave me a hug and kiss and said, "Bye, bye!" I asked him where he was going. He said, "Da da!" and pointed at the door. I guess he decided that since Drake wasn't coming home, he was going to Florida to be with him. I hugged him and told him that I really need him at home to take care of me and asked him if he would please stay with me because it would make me so sad if he went to Florida as well. He reluctantly agreed, but has been so sad all morning.

I didn't realize just how much these business trips were bothering Ethan. I mean, I know the older kids miss him, but Ethan has never really said anything about it. (Granted, Ethan doesn't talk, so that might be why.) The older kids understand that daddy has to go away for business, but will be back in a week and seem to accept that and be fine with it. In fact, they like it because they know he'll be coming home with presents for them. lol Ethan has just been heart broken all week without Drake though. When Drake calls at night, Ethan will stand by my side, grabbing for the phone, until I hand it to him, then he "talks" to Drake FOREVER. LOL He's always so thrilled to be on the phone with daddy, but then so sad again when he has to hang up.

I'm really hoping that Drake's next job won't take him out of town so much. I am okay with the traveling. (Like I said in a previous post, I think it actually might be good for us) However, if it's bothering any of the kids that much, that means he really needs to stay home.

So, what's the U.S.'s big sexual hangup with breasts? Why is it that people feel compelled to tell women that they are not allowed to breastfeed their children in spot X, Y, or Z and that they should go to the bathroom to do it. Would you eat your lunch in a bathroom? I sure as heck wouldn't. There are all kinds of nasty things in there. I try to avoid public restrooms at all costs and am really anal (wow, what a terrible pun when talking about bathrooms) when it comes to making sure my children and I don't touch anything in a public restroom. So, why on earth should we expect people to EAT in there? Now, that's just gross.

So, this woman in Michigan was told that she couldn't breastfeed her baby poolside at the local YMCA. It was said that the rule was "No food or drinks allowed" so she had to leave if she was going to feed the baby. Now, I ask you, do you think a woman feeding her baby a bottle would have been asked to leave? I highly doubt it. Of course, this has the pro breastfeeding people up in arms screaming that women should have to right to feed their baby whenever, wherever and however they please and the anti breastfeeding "Oh, but I think it's fine for a woman to breastfeed as long as I don't have to see it" people screaming that they have rights and they don't think it's appropriate to breastfeed a baby in public because...well, I don't know why, they're just dumb. Hey, this is my blog and I'll call it as I see it ;)

So, here's my take on it. Women should have the right to feed their infants breastmilk or formula from any semi spill proof container, anywhere she damn well pleases, unless it poses a threat to the baby, or people around her. (I'm not fond of the whole nursing while you're driving thing ;) ) NO ONE should be forced to eat in a bathroom. NO ONE should feel like they can't leave the house because they might not make it home in time to feed the baby at home. NO ONE should be made to feel uncomfortable when they are doing what is best for their baby. Granted, if it's someone's private home, I feel they have the right to ask their guests to do anything they want and ask any guest who refuses to leave. However, in a public setting, I feel that breastfeeding should be allowed.

Are all women discreet while breastfeeding? No. I acknowledge that. I've been in situations where women are practically topless while breastfeeding. Yes, I'll admit, I was a bit uncomfortable in that situation...especially since I was talking to the women while they were doing it, but that is my own hangup. Breasts may be sexual things, but their primary function is nourishing children. It's what they were made for. It's only in the U.S. that people have issues with breastfeeding women. Is it any wonder that more and more women aren't even attempting to breastfeed their children? People are uncomfortable with breastfeeding because they see breasts as primarily sexual objects. If our culture would just shift it's views, I believe that more children would be breastfed. Breastfeeding is SO good for the child! Breastmilk is the PERFECT food for a baby. In fact, it changes just to suit each particular child. I could go on for pages about the wonders of breastmilk, but I'll spare you that and comment on the things I find most interesting:

1. Studies have been done that have shown that women in cold climates have more fat in their breastmilk than women in temperate climates. This allows the baby to ingest more fat and store more fat to keep them warm. Women in hot climates produce less fat and more water in their breastmilk.

2. If your child only nurses for short sessions, you will produce fattier foremilk so that the baby gets the nutrition it needs in a shorter amount of time than a baby who nurses for longer.

3. When you are sick, your milk is full of antibodies that will help keep the baby from getting sick.

4. As the baby gets older, the contents of your milk change to suit the needs of an older child

Now really, can you say that formula does ANY of that? Yet, it's considered normal to feed children formula, and "gross" to breastfeed them.

Don't get me wrong. All of my children have had formula at one time or another. I think formula is wonderful for people who cannot breastfeed for one reason or another. I just think that breastfeeding should be considered "normal" and formula should be considered sub par and what you use when you can't breastfeed. However, if people are constantly told that breastfeeding should be hidden and something you should only do in private, yet it's fine to formula feed wherever and whenever you want to, it's no wonder that more and more women choose to never even attempt to breastfeed their child.

So really, what's the hangup with boobs? Why is it that people are so offended by a woman breastfeeding? I'd SO much rather see a little boob than listen to a hungry baby scream! Boobs, boobs, boobs. She's feeding a baby, not walking around rubbing her bare nipples or something!

Drake is heading out in three hours on yet another business trip. *Sigh* I hate it when he's gone. You'd think I'd get used to it though. Hopefully he'll be home for Cole's birthday next month. I can't believe my little Valentine is turning 4!!! I think Drake has about three or four business trips in the next two or three months...each lasting about a week or so depending on what they need him for. I'm grateful that they aren't sending him off to Iraq though. Drake's coworker is there now and has been there for about two months and will be there for the next three months. I can't imagine Drake being gone for that long...especially in such a dangerous area. I suppose that's why they send the single guys out there though. I know that Drake's coworker does it for the extra pay (overtime, hazard pay, etc.) because he wants to save up enough money to buy a home, then find a wife and settle down. I hope that he is able to get what he wants out of life. I know he doesn't enjoy doing what he's doing now, but he sees it as a necessary evil to get the things in life that he wants. I admire him for that.

So, five more days without hubby. I can do it. Maybe I'll even get the house clean while he's gone. I swear having him home is like having another child sometimes. Don't get me wrong, he can be VERY helpful when he wants to be...he just doesn't always want to be, it seems. Sometimes I think these trips are good for our relationship. They give us a chance to really think about and realize how much we love and appreciate the other and the things they add to our lives. I think that in the thick of things, we tend to take for granted the good things and focus on the negative. We EXPECT the good things to be there and don't really realize just how much our lives are enriched by eachother, but get pissed off at the little negative things. The time apart really shows us how much we would be missing in our lives if we weren't there for eachother. Sadly, once he gets back, it's back to the daily grind and the negative things start adding up again.

I'm not sure what it is, but our relationship has drastically improved in the past few months. It used to be that we couldn't go a single day without fighting and we would purposely avoid eachother so we could avoid fighting. Drake would often ask me why I spent so much time downstairs when he was upstairs and I would honestly tell him that it was because as long as we weren't together, we could pretend that we were happy, but the moment we spent any time together, all we would do was fight and I didn't want to fight anymore, so it was easier to just not be in the same room as him. What kind of marriage is that?!!?!?! This went on for SO long. We were married, but we never talked...we never spent time together, and when we did, all we did was scream at eachother. It was as though we were roommates...roommates who couldn't stand eachother. I don't know what has changed, but I'm so glad that something has. I honestly wasn't sure how much longer our marriage was going to last. We had spent the majority of our seven years of marriage fighting. It wasn't what I wanted out of life. He wasn't happy. I wasn't happy. The kids weren't happy. Caitlin asked me at least once a week if we were going to get divorced because all we ever did was fight and moms and dads who fight all the time get divorced. I told her no, but I didn't honestly believe that myself. Things are SO much better now though. Now Caitlin has to tell us "Ewwwwwwwww, stop kissing all the time!" I like it much better this way. I honestly haven't been this happy in my marriage in a long, long time. Honestly, I'm not sure I've ever been this happy in my marriage.

Anyways, not much more to write and I have to get off of here to go spend some time with hubby before he leaves. ;)

It's been a while since I last updated. My life is still just as boring as ever. Sadly, I'm not sure that will ever change. Such is life, though.

We recently got back from a visit with my family for the holidays. We were there from Christmas Eve until the day after New Years. We had an awesome trip and the kids were thrilled to be able to spend some time with their grandma, aunts, uncles and most of all, their cousins. It was though not a single day had passed and they were all the best of friends, which was really nice. It's usually difficult to get them to play together at first because they haven't seen eachother in so long that they are a bit uncomfortable around eachother. Not this time though...they were fast friends, which I was thrilled with. I feel awful keeping them from their cousins. They have such a great time with them and would be such incredible friends if we lived closer.

Christmas went wonderfully. My kids got way too many things, and loved every single minute of it. Grandma was able to dote and spoil as grandma's should. The only thing missing was my dad. His absense was really felt by Emma. She was noticably sad that he wasn't there and made sure to include him in all of her prayers. I'm sad that my kids miss him so much, but very happy that they still remember him. That was one of my biggest worries...that they would forget him. Cole, of course, only knows who he is because of pictures, but he has some fabricated memories that I let him hold on to. The youngest two were born after my dad passed away.

We got pictures taken of all of the grandkids over Christmas break. I won't post the picture of all of the grandkids or the grandkids and my mom because I don't have permission to post them, but I will post the pic that my kids had done. I think it turned out really cute!

I can't believe how cooperative the kids were! It was as though the moment we stepped into the studio they turned into 11 completely different people! (Can you believe my parents have 11 grandchildren ages 8 and under?!?!?!? Come February there will be 12 and the oldest will STILL be 8...for the next 5 months!)

Ethan apparently wants to be a little model. He LOVED LOVED LOVED having his picture taken! He was always the first one out there posing. He acutally chose most of his own poses. I was glad that the photographer just let him go with it. She was really good with the kids. He's quite the little cheeser, apparently. I had no idea that the camera would bring him out so much. It was so much fun to watch.

The drive home from northern CA sucked...big time. I-5 was closed at 5 different spots and the drive that normally took less than 5 hours (from Sacramento to the grapevine) took almost 12. It was at that point that I decided we needed to pull over for the night and find a hotel. I was just too tired to continue and had at least a 4 hour drive still ahead of me, so I knew it was unsafe to continue driving. Ugh, I hate traffic. Of course, the kids all seem to know exactly when we hit traffic and chose those points in time to wake up and scream and cry the entire time. Ugh, that is quite nerve wracking...especially when you're already stressed out by being in traffic and it taking over two hours to go less than 25 miles!

So anyways, we're back home now. The girls are back in school, Drake is back at work, and it's back to the grind for all of us.