So, today I was told that I don't look "married." How on earth does one look married? Should I walk around with a big sandwich board that says, "I love my husband." Would that make me look more married? Do I need a bigger wedding ring? That's it. I need to tell my husband to buy me a 5 ct. diamond ring. That would do it! Honey, get on that, mmmkay?

I mean, seriously, does someone go from not looking married one minute to all of a sudden looking married right after the words, "I do" come out of their mouth? What does married look like? I was told I looke to "cute" to be married. Is married tired? Ugly? Unhappy? Do your boobs sag the moment you get married? Do you have a married "glow" like some say you do when you're pregnant? Granted, the only glow I get when I'm pregnant is from sweat when I'm trying to move my fat ass around in the middle of the summer! Pregnancy and I don't get along very well. (Although, with five kids, you'd never know it. I hate being pregnant!)

I guess I should take it as a compliment. I definitely don't feel cute. I feel so far from cute that for someone to say that, it really makes me question their sight. Poor guy needs some seriously thick glasses or something.

That's been my mantra today. I love my children more than life itself. I honestly don't know what I would do without them. They bring me more happiness than I have ever known in my life. My life would be incomplete without them.

However, on days like today I question my sanity! I look around me and see my disaster of a house, I see kids screaming at eachother, I see a kid who has just dumped an entire bowl of soup on the ground, a baby who just threw up her entire last meal and then I look in the mirror and see someone who looks and feels so much older than her twenty six years. I see someone who is tired, who hasn't had a moment's peace today, and someone who is about to lose it. I love being a mom...I love being a mom...I love being a mom.

Kids will be kids. I understand that. The way they've been acting today is normal. I'm blessed to have these incredible miracles in my life. So, why am I so frustrated? Why do I just want to scream? I love being a mom...I love being a mom...I love being a mom.

I asked the kids to clean the living room. They weren't doing it...they were playing, running around, rough housing, etc. I told them they needed to clean or they would be going to bed. They continued to play. I sent them to bed. Caitlin stomped her way up the stairs, screaming, "YOU HATE ME, NOBODY LOVES ME!" and then slammed her bedroom door. Emma ran upstairs screaming and crying as well. I love being a mom...I love being a mom...I love being a mom.

Caitlin just came downstairs and told me, "I'm ready for someone to adopt me now. I have my suitcase packed. I don't want you to be my mom anymore. I hate this family." When I told her she was stuck with us, she screamed that she hates me and that she wishes she had never been born. I love being a mom...I love being a mom...I love being a mom.

There have been so many times when my kids have made me want to call my mom and apologize for...well, for being a kid. LOL I see things my kids have done and remember when I did the exact same thing and think, "My poor mom." My mom is incredible. I wish I had even a small fraction of the amount of patience she has.

Enough frustration from me...a funny story from today:

Caitlin came up to me today and said, "Who's birthday is coming up?" I responded (knowing full well what she wanted to say) "Uncle Louis' birthday is in a few days." She rolled her eyes and said, "Nooooooo, in this family." I said, "Mine." To which she responded, "You know I want you to say that it's my birthday coming up." "If you already had the answer, why did ask me?" "Whatever, *roll eyes* here is what I want for my birthday." She then handed me an ad for a gorgeous white gold, diamond and pink sapphire bracelet. Her future husband is in trouble.

So, I've added a few new songs to my radio. Most of them are by MC Frontalot. I'm loving this man more and more everyday. If you like Bush or dislike gay people, I suggest you don't listen to the songs. Don't say I didn't warn you. Oh, and if you're easily offended by profanity you might want to skip them as well. There's not a whole lot of profanity in them, but it is there in at least one of them.

Nothing takes me back to my childhood like "Love Shack" by the B-52's. Whenever I hear that song, I'm automatically taken back to church dances as a teen. No dance was complete without that song being played and it got almost everyone to dance...even the most devoted wallflowers. Good times. I think my most memorable church dance was during a youth conference. It was raining outside and my friend Kyle asked me to dance with him when a slow song came on. I said okay, then he dragged me outside into the rain to dance. At first I was quite hesitant to do it because I knew it was going to mess up my hair, but we did and it's honestly one of my most fond memories. I wonder what Kyle is up to these days. I bet he's married with a ton of little Kyle Tony Bob's running around. A gal would be stupid not to snatch him up. He was (and undoubtedly still is) an incredible guy.

Apparently it is just my speakers that are broken. I can listen to music through headphones...which would be excellent except that the only pair of headphones I have, Ethan broke :( So, listen to a song or two for me. Pick one you wouldn't normally listen to :)

So, I think I'll post multiple times again today since someone told me not to.

As you can see, I got the radio installed! Click on some songs. They are all from my personal playlist, so you'll get a taste of what I listen to. Yeah, it's an odd, eclectic playlist, but it's me :) I'll be randomly adding songs as I feel like it. Sadly, my computer's sound system broke, so I can't even listen to them. *sob*

So, I was chatting with someone online who recently moved from Hawaii to Idaho. They made me remember that I have been planning on making lomi salmon. So, I did just that :) It was really good, if I do say so myself ;) I tried feeding it to my kids this morning. Before even taking a bite, Caitlin asked what was in it. So, I told her...raw salmon, hawaiian salt, tomatoes and sweet onions. She exclaimed, "RAW FISH!?!?!?!!? What are you trying to do...KILL ME?!?!?!?!" Needless to say, she didn't eat it and neither did her siblings. If Caitlin doesn't like it, they all think they don't like it either. The funny thing is, they LOVE LOVE LOVE sushi. I think I'll refrain from telling them that sushi has raw fish in it as well. Heck, Ethan eats sashimi (the other kids aren't that fond of it). Then again, Ethan will eat anything. Well, anything but lettuce anyways.

I want to go to Mitsua now and get some good ahi and make poke. (It's pronounced poh-keh...kinda) Now that is some good eats! It's raw ahi (tuna), Hawaiian salt, limu kohe (seaweed) and green onions. It's heavenly, I'm tellin' ya! If you've never had it, you're missing out.

Drake wants me to make him spam musubi. I can't find my musubi press though. Yes, my family eats spam...nasty, I know. It's not bad when on some rice, with some egg, wrapped in nori (seaweed again) though. Even I'll eat it. Shhhhhhh! When I was little, Spam came in a can, with spam jelly. Now that is NASTY!!! I mean, what on earth is that stuff? Spam doesn't have the jelly anymore. Vienna sausages do though. My kids love those things. Nasty. Why do I feed it to them then? Really, there is no method to my madness.

So, I'm working on a radio for the website that I help maintain. It dawned on me, as I was converting my playlist into the format that would allow the files to be played on the radio, that whoever listened to this radio, was going to be subjected to my taste in music. The only music files I have on my computer is the music I listen to. Now everyone is going to find out my deep, dark, shameful secret.

I listen to country music

Sad, but true. It all started with a single song. You know, I've had conversations with people about the music their children listen to. Their reasoning behind allowing their children to listen to music with "questionable" lyrics (meaning, songs about sex, etc.) is that the kids don't listen to the words...they just like the music. Well for me, it was exactly the opposite. I liked the lyrics of this song. It was "One Hot Mama" by Trace Adkins

You're doin' all you can to get in them old jeans.
You want that body back, you had at seventeen.
Baby, don't get down; don't worry 'bout a thing.
'Cause the way you fill 'em out, hey, that's all right with me.
I don't want the girl you used to be.
An' if you ain't noticed, the kids are fast asleep,

An' you're one hot mama;
You turn me on, let's turn it up,
An' turn this room into a sauna.
One hot mama,
Oh, whaddya say, baby?
You wanna?

Well, I know sometimes you think that all you really are,
Is the woman with the kids an' the groceries in the car.
An' you worry about your hips an' you worry about your age.
Meanwhile I'm tryin' to catch the breath you take away.
Oh, an' believe me, you still do.
Baby, all I see, when I look at you,

Is one hot mama;
You turn me on, let's turn it up,
An' turn this room into a sauna.
One hot mama,
Oh, whaddya say, baby?
You wanna?

Instrumental break.

I can't imagine me lovin' someone else.
I'm a lucky man,
I think Daddy's got himself,

One hot mama;
You turn me on, let's turn it up,
An' turn this room into a sauna.
One hot mama,
Oh, whaddya say, babe?
Oh, now whaddya say, babe?
You wanna?

You're one hot mama,
Let's turn this room into a sauna, yeah.
Whaddya say, babe?
Whaddya say, babe?

See, isn't that an awesome song? So, I convinced myself that it was okay to listen to this song even though it was a country song because the lyrics were so cool. Then came this song:

DUM-DE-DE-DUM, DE-DE-DUM-DE-DE-DUM, DE-DAA-DAAAAA
DUM-DE-DE-DUM, DE-DE-DUM-DE-DE-DUM, DE-DAA-DAA-DAA-DAA-DAAAA!

Well, I walk into the room
Passing out hundred dollar bills
And it kills and it thrills like the horns on my Silverado grill
And I buy the bar a double round of crown
And everybody's getting down
An' this town ain't never gonna be the same.

[Chorus:]
Cause I saddle up my horse
and I ride into the city
I make a lot of noise
Cause the girls
They are so pretty
Riding up and down Broadway
on my old stud Leroy
And the girls say
Save a horse, ride a cowboy.
Everybody says
Save a horse, Ride a cowboy

Well I don't give a dang about nothing
I'm singing and Bling- Blanging
While the girls are drinking
Long necks down!
And I wouldn't trade ol' Leroy
or my Chevrolet for your Escalade
Or your freak parade
I'm the only John Wayne left in this town

And I saddle up my horse
and I ride into the city
I make a lot of noise
Cause the girls
They are so pretty
Riding up and down Broadway
on my old stud Leroy
And the girls say
Save a horse, ride a cowboy.
Everybody says
Save a horse, Ride a cowboy

[Spoken:]
I'm a thourough-bred
that's what she said
in the back of my truck bed
As I was gettin' buzzed on suds
Out on some back country road.
We where flying high
Fining, whine, having ourselves a big and rich time
And I was going, just about as far as she'd let me go.
But her evaluation
of my cowboy reputation
Had me begging for salvation
all night long
So I took her out giggin frogs
Introduced her to my old bird dog
And sang her every Wilie Nelson song I could think of

And we made love
And I saddled up my horse
and I ride into the city
I make a lot of noise
Cause the girls
They are so pretty
Riding up and down Broadway
on my old stud Leroy
And the girls say
Save a horse, ride a cowboy.
Everybody says
Save a horse, Ride a cowboy

What? What?
Save A Horse Ride A Cowboy
Everybody says
Save a Horse Ride a cowboy.

I mean, how can you not like a song with those lyrics? It's hilarious. So, two country songs. I'm just listening for the lyrics....really, it's just the lyrics.

It was all downhill from there :( So very sad. I used to listen to My 94.1 Now I listen to US 95.7 Anytime I'm in a car, you'll find me singing very loudly to country music. So sad. This, coming from someone who used to laugh and start singing in her favorite twangy accent, "My dog died, my wife left me and she took my truck..." whenever someone mentioned that they liked country music. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

So, anyways, I'm thinking I might subject anyone who reads this blog to my music. If I can get the radio to work on the other site, I think I'll add it here as well. So, when you're reading, you can pretend you're in the car with me and sing along to my choice of music! Of course, I haven't completely given up my old ways. You'll find a variety of other genres, but it will probably mostly be country. Be forewarned though, one of my all time favorite songs will be on it and it says a bad word, so listen with caution if there are vulnerable ears around you. If you hear:

you let me violate you, you let me desecrate you
you let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you

you may want to turn down your speakers ;)

I just answered the door and it was one of my favorite people...the UPS lady!!! :D You should have seen my huge smile when I saw the packaging tape on the box she handed me...it said FABRIC.COM Heaven in a box, I'm tellin' ya! Twenty three pounds of pure joy!

Pink butterflies 100% cotton rib knit - 3 yards


Black Canvas - 3 yards


Blue butterflies 100% cotton rib knit - 3 yards


100% cotton Ivory brushed interlock knit - 5 yards


Midnight Blue 100% cotton lightweight interlock knit - 5 yards


Ivory 100% cotton gauze - 5 yards


Does it get any better than this? (Well, it might when my next shipment of fabric comes in...I have brocades coming in that one! :D )

See, I told you I had a problem!

Edited to add: Is it weird that I have the brushed interlock knit sitting on a chair next to me so that I can reach over and pet it every once in a while? It's so soft and nice!

So, Sera had her appointment with the dermatologist today. It was basically a complete waste of time. The doctor felt bad. She said she had no idea why I was referred to her because she doesn't do dermoid cysts. They require a dermatological surgeon because they are more involved with tissue and such. She did, however, tell me that the pediatric ENT removes dermoid cysts and that we should make an appointment with him.

As luck would have it (oddly enough...I NEVER have good luck these days!) we already have an appointment with him in two weeks to discuss Sera's gums...or lack thereof anyways. So, we'll just kill two birds with one stone :) She said that if he can't do it, although she doesn't see why he wouldn't, she would refer me to the dermatological surgeon at Children's Hospital, but she's hesitant to do that because she said that doctor is really pro "let's just do it now, there is no evidence that there is a higher risk for newborns to be under general anesthesia" and she knew I'm really hesitant to do surgery right away because I don't want Sera to have to go under so young, and the ENT is more likely to say, "Yes, we can wait as long as you want to." The dermatologist said that she knows many adults her were born with dermoid cysts and just lived with them their entire lives and she said that they do grow in the beginning, but usually slow down significantly and then stop growing altogether, so she wasn't worried about the rate of growth right now.

So, off to the ENT in a couple of weeks. If she has to have surgery for her gums anyways (which they definitely say should be done before she gets teeth) I'll just have both done at once. If for some reason they don't want to do anything about her gums, I'll probably wait until she's around 18 months or so before having the cyst removed. I definitely want to have it removed for cosmetic reasons, but if cosmetics are the only reason it should be removed, I definitely plan to wait until she's older, but not so old that she'll be horribly traumatised and remember the surgery.

On a completely different note, I was browsing around online today and came across myspace.com I was really surprised to see how many people from my highschool graduating class were members there. It was interesting to read about some of their lives and see what they were up to. Yes, I'm a very nosey person. I was also very surprised to see just how many people there were that supposedly graduated with me that I swear I've never seen in my life. How on earth did I never even come across them? My highschool wasn't exactly huge. We had less than 200 kids in my graduating class! Weird.

Oh, and weird seems to be my word of the day. I was on the phone with my friend, Tracey (Hi Tracey!) today and it was like the only word I used. It was odd. Okay, I was going to type it was weird, but that would have just been cheesey. (Mmmm, cheese. I love Brie on crackers.)

Tracey is awesome. If I were a lesbian, she'd be my wife. Well, if we lived in Masachusettes or Canada anyways. Anywhere else and she could only be my lover. :( Lover is such a weird word. "She's my lover." Lame. lol Then again, life partner just doesn't seem intimate enough. I mean, yes, technically, that's what it would be, but it just seems so...I don't know...cold, I guess. I guess it just reminds me too much of business partner. There is so much more to a relationship than just a partnership. I'm able to call Drake my husband. He's so much more than just my partner. But lover is cheesey. Also, a life partner is so much more than just a lover. I think I'm overthinking this. Tracey is hot. I'd do her. Okay, not really. Well....maybe. She gives awesome massages.

and I'm a fabric addict. There, I've said it. However, although I may need help, I don't want it! LOL I'm happily addicted to fabric. I can spend hours at the fabric store just feeling the fabric, trying to guess what it's made out of, imagining what I can make from it, etc. Yes folks, I play a "Guess the fiber contents of this fabric" game with myself. I truly do lead a pathetic life.

I go into a bit of a daze when I'm at the fabric store, then come out of the store with a cart full of fabric and no idea how much I spent until I look at the receipt...if I look at the receipt. I usually choose not to so I don't feel guilty ;)

I went fabric shopping today. I set myself a specific limit for my spending. I overspent, but I got some really nice fabric. I've decided I'm no longer setting limits because I feel too guilty when I go over, but not guilty enough not to do it, so there's really no point in giving myself a limit! I'm not quite sure what I'm going to make out of it yet. It still hasn't really told me. I know I'm going to make my sister in law a pouch for her new baby (she's pregnant again!) out of the Mary Engelbreit fabric I bought. She loves Mary Engelbreit. I'm also going to crochet the baby a blanket and sweater with a Mary Engelbreit theme. Hopefully she'll never see this blog or my surprise is ruined! I'm not sure what I'll do with the rest of the fabric. It's all just solid colors, so nothing too exciting.

I also bought myself three patterns to make purses. I'm working on an idea for something and these patterns should help me out with it. I'm not going to divulge my secrets because you freaks will just steal it! (Yes, I'm quite full of myself and think it's an awesome idea! LOL) Okay, really I'm not saying what it is because like the rest of the projects I start, it will probably never get finished then I'll feel like a flake. Since you don't know what it is, I can just make something up if I never get it done. Don't be surprised if in a future entry you see, "You remember that incredible thing I was going to make, but was keeping a surprise? Well, I FINISHED it! TADA...it was a purse!!!" (Hence the need for purse patterns)

Caitlin and Emma want Capri Sun purses and wallets, so they're happily making their way through several boxes of Capri Sun. How on earth I used to like that crap is beyond me! Give me 100% juice (and I'm not talking Juicy Juice crap) anyday! My favorite is Pom Pomegranite Mango juice. YUM! If you haven't had it, you should go try it. It's usually found in aisle next to the Odwalla. Odwalla is yummy too. I got a bad drink one time though. It was nasty! LOL They gave me a coupon for a free drink though, so that was nice. Maybe I should complain to companies more often!

Sera has her dermatologist appointment tomorrow. I'm hoping he'll say that her surgery can wait. She's so little. I just can't imagine her having to go through that right now. However, I don't want the cyst to keep growing and eventually cause vision problems. Anyways, we'll just see what the dermatologist says and go from there. I'm not one to blindly follow doctors, but they really do know more than me and I hate to say, "No, I don't think that's the best thing to do, even though you do" because what if I'm wrong? I just want what is best for my children.

So, I've been reading this blog of an old friend of mine. I haven't seen him in probably almost a decade. (Gosh, that makes me feel old!) Anyways, it brought back a memory that I haven't thought about in AGES. When we were...gosh, I have no idea how old we were...we couldn't have been more than seven or something...possibly even five or six...anyways, we were at church (I'm not sure if it was a Sunday or some activity we or our parents were involved in during the week) and we were standing behind this wall outside of the church and he grabbed my hand and kissed it. What a stud ;) I was absolutely shocked and oh so twitterpated. I went home later that day, vowing to never wash that hand again. About an hour later I spilled hot soup on my hand and I cried and cried, wondering if his lips were burning like my hand was. Goodness, I was so six year old in love with him. My mom made me wash my hand off, which made me cry even more because I felt like I was washing his kiss away. Sean, you're a stud *kiss*

Someone has been asking me for a picture of myself, so here it is:

Okay, so that was many years and many children again, but for more than just my hair, forehead and eyes, that's as good as you're going to get ;)

I just got back from taking Sera to her well baby check up. All seems to be going well. She weighed in at a whopping 13 pounds even. That's my little chunky monkey! She cooed and smiled for the doctor and pushed herself up when she was on her tummy, so the doctor is happy with her progress.

The cyst on her face is definitely growing, so the doctor called the dermatologist and got her appointment moved up to this upcoming Monday. She said they'll probably want to remove it ASAP so that it doesn't grow so big that it starts affecting her vision. :( The thought of my tiny little baby being put under general anesthesia scares me. The thought of someone cutting into her precious little face scares me. :( I'm just going to have to hope and pray for the best.

The doctor looked at the gap in her gums and said that she hadn't realized at the last appointment just how deep the gap went, so she's set up an appointment with the ear nose and throat doctor for the 8th of August. He'll probably want to do a full work up of her jaw to make sure that the cleft doesn't extend all the way to her jaw, possibly causing even more problems. So, that will be some xrays and who knows what else. Again, I can just hope and pray for the best. It's so difficult to put the fate of my children in the hands of people I don't know :(

So, yesterday we went to visit with my father in law. We had a nice visit, although I think the kids drove him crazy. To me, it's normal, so I tend to forget that not everyone is used to four kids talking at once...all....day...long. LOL

So anyways, we went out to IHOP for dinner (the kid's choice, not mine...although the stuffed french toast is one of my secret sinful pleasures ;) ) and I took Ethan in the sling. He wasn't about to let Sera go in it! I got quite a few looks. San Diego DEFINITELY is not a baby wearing area! Then later, Drake and I went to get some sushi (definitely my choice!) and I got quite a few more looks while carrying Sera in it. I don't feel awkward wearing it, so I know people are actually staring and it's not just in my mind. Only one person approached me about it though. She merely came up, smiled and commented on how comfortable Sera looked. It couldn't have been because she was sound asleep :)

It amazes me how many people come up to me when I'm wearing the baby to ask me about the sling. It especially amazes me that there are so many people who have never even heard of a sling! The pouch I can understand...it's not as common as the ring sling, but I thought everyone had seen a sling at least once. I was completely wrong! Then again, I'm living in the area where people stare at me like I'm the most disgusting thing that ever walked the planet when I nurse the baby in public...even if covered up by a blanket! I mean, my goodness, you're seeing less of my skin when I'm nursing than when I'm not! (Well, when I actually cover up anyways...I eventually stopped that. Why be uncomfortable trying to be TOTALLY discreet when you're going to get the same reaction from people as you do being as discreet as possible without using a hot blanket!)

I remember one time I was at the county fair with my mom. It was over 100* outside. Emma got hungry, so I sat down to nurse her. My mom looked over and said, "You're not going to use a blanket?" I said, "Heck no, it's super hot! Poor Emma would overheat if I put a blanket over her!" She said, "But everyone will know what you're doing!" I laughed and said, "So what? Besides, it's not like everyone wouldn't know what I was doing if I was covered from neck to waist with a blanket in this heat!" Really, I show NO skin when I'm nursing...what does a blanket add? All it really does is scream, "Hey, look at me, I've got a baby attached to my breast!" When I'm nursing without the blanket it often looks like the baby is just sleeping.

So, last night I stayed up all night making a pouch sling. I was so excited to try it out with Sera this morning. I put her in it in the tummy to tummy hold and the cradle hold. She definitely preferred tummy to tummy. When Ethan woke up, he let me know that he wanted to try it out. So, I stuck him in it in the hip carry hold. He was THRILLED beyond belief! I was amazed at just how excited he was to be in that thing. I then flipped him around onto my back and he had the BEST time. He was laughing and bouncing the whole time. It was too cute. After a little while though, my back started to hurt, so I flipped him back around and took him out. Oh my goodness, you should have heard that boy scream! He spent the next fifteen minutes screaming, crying, trying to put the pouch back on me and trying to climb into it. I guess it was a hit! LOL

I think I definitely prefer the pouch over the ring sling. However, the ring sling is adjustable, which is nice, but is also a pain at the same time. I always know the pouch is going to fit straight away without having to adjust it, which is very nice. However, the ring sling is more versatile and can be used for things other than baby wearing, which is nice. I enjoy making both of them though :)

The girls went to their Tae Kwan Do class today (well, yesterday rather...I just haven't been to sleep yet. It's a little after five in the morning.) They had a great time. They leared the chicken kick and were having great fun showing it to me. Cole went with them and enjoyed watching them. I'm so glad that the girls have found something they truly enjoy. They look forward to class each week and really practice a lot to improve themselves. It's nice to see them so in to something.

Cole just woke up, so we did his hair :D

I finally gave Cole his mohawk! He LOVES LOVES LOVES it!!!! It should grow out fairly quickly. LOL It stands about four inches high!

Introducing "BLUE BAM" Silva. BLUE BAM joined our family today without the knowledge of Drake. He's not going to be very happy when he gets home. Cole has really been wanting a pet lately though. I had previously convinced him that the crickets that we feed to Emma's toads are his pets, but lately he's been getting quite upset that Emma's pets eat his pets, so I decided it was time to get one that would live longer than 2 minutes. Cole previously had a snake named Slitherin, but he refused to eat and died :( Hopefully Blue Bam will lead a happier and much longer life.



It's not a great picture, but I'm sure you can tell what it looks like. It's a blue beta fish...they all look the same. ;)

Yes, you've seen it here...all five of my children, sitting together civilly, taking a picture and *gasp* they're even smiling and looking at the camera! It's a once in a lifetime event, that's for sure! LOL

My mother in law is coming to visit tomorrow, and yet I sit here on the computer instead of cleaning. I look around me and see how much I need to do, but just don't have the motivation to do any of it. I don't have the motivation to do much of anything these days.

I don't know what's wrong with me, but there's definitely something wrong. I'm constantly short with my kids. Wow, that's the understatement of the century. I try to avoid my kids because when I'm around them, all I do is yell at them. I literally screamed at the top of my lungs at Caitlin the other day for something stupid. When I was done, I just ran to my room and cried. How could I do that to my precious little girl?

I don't want to do anything but sleep, but I can't sleep. The past few nights I haven't gone to bed at all. My schedule is all out of whack, my anger is through the roof.

My kids can't even touch me without me getting irritated. Cole tried to hug me the other day and I told him to leave me alone. A few minutes later he tried to hug me again and I told him, "If you touch me one more time, I will spank you." It's not like I would...it was a totally empty threat since I don't spank. However, I've found myself this || close to spanking my children a few times in the past few weeks. Caitlin often comes up behind me when I'm on the computer and puts her hand on my shoulder. I've snapped at her every time she's done it lately. "GET AWAY FROM ME!!!!!" Why on earth am I acting like this? I keep trying to be more patient. I keep trying to make more time that I want to spend with my kids. I keep trying to make it so I'm not irritated when they want to hug me, but I just can't do it. I just don't know what's wrong with me.

I took a stupid online test the other day that is supposed to help diagnose post partum depression. Here are the scores and what they're supposed to mean:

Less than 40 =MILD adjustment difficulties;
41-69 =MODERATE-SEVERE Depression and Anxiety
70+ =SEVERE DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY

I scored a 76.

I'm thinking of going into my OB/GYN and talking to him about it, but he'll probably just put me on Zoloft, which may very well be what I need, but anti depressants scare me...especially since Sera is relying 100% on my breast milk. I don't want that crap getting into her system. I'm the crazy one, not her LOL They say that Zoloft is the best SSRI to take while nursing, but that all of them pass through breastmilk so they're not 100% safe. I hate the fact that the crazies in my head might lead me to needing something that will possibly affect Sera. However, I just can't continue on the way I've been going. Something needs to change and so far, I've been unable to change it myself. My kids don't deserve to be treated the way I've been treating them. My family doesn't deserve to live in squalor because I can't find the motivation or the will to clean. Something needs to change. I can't keep living like this. It's not fair to anyone.

Speaking of antidepressants, have I mentioned how yummy Tom Cruise is? Too bad he's short :( He's still stunning though. He's been under fire a lot lately for the things he said about Brooke Shields and her use of anti depressants for her post partum depression. I don't see what the big deal about what he said was. Yes, he definitely shouldn't have said it on Oprah in front of God and the world when speaking specifically about Brooke Shields, but I can't say that I disagree with his sentiments.

He never once said that post partum depression doesn't exist or isn't real. What he did say was that antidepressants just mask the real problem, which is true. They don't fix the problem. If they did, a person would just go on antidepressants, like antibiotics, then after a certain amount of time or a certain dosage, would be "better." But, that's now how it works. They're a crutch to help you get through a period of time (or the rest of your life, in some cases) until things balance themselves out in your brain and body. Now, here's where Tom Cruise and I differ...I'm all for using a crutch if you need it However, I do believe that there is something to be said for a change of diet and exercise in combatting many of the problems that doctors seem to just automatically medicate these days.

Zoloft, as well as many of the other drugs women take for post partum depression, is an SSRI (Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor). It basically works by increasing the amount of time that seratonin sits in the synapses of your brain cells, allowing your brain to recognize the seratonin multiple times and "use" it more efficiently. It doesn't cure you of depression. It just gives you more time for your brain to use the "happy drug" that your body naturally produces.

From http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Selective_serotonin_reuptake_inhibitor :

Some say that the supposed biological causes of depression, which SSRIs were designed for, have never in fact been proven scientifically. They claim that there is no scientific evidence for the existence of the disorders that SSRIs are designed to treat, or that they are based on a chemical imbalance of the brain, or that SSRIs effectively handle this chemical imbalance.

Allen J. Frances, professor of psychiatry at Duke University Medical Center writes: "psychiatry’s claim that mental illnesses are brain diseases... is not true. There are no objective diagnostic tests to confirm or disconfirm the diagnosis of depression... There is no blood or other biological test to ascertain the presence or absence of a mental illness, as there is for most bodily diseases. If such a test were developed... then the condition would cease to be a mental illness and would be classified, instead, as a symptom of a bodily disease."

The mode of action of these antidepressant drugs on their direct target, the serotonin transport protein, and possible regulatory mechanisms with respect to long-term alleviation of depression, although having been investigated both neurobiologically and clinically over the last years, are not yet understood.

So, people can jump all over him all they want and many may disagree with me, but I don't think that the things he says are all horrible and doing a horrible disservice to depressed people everywhere like I've seen claimed by so many others. I think that people need to weigh the pros and cons of things with every choice they make and hear both sides to make as informed of a decision as they can. I think that all too often, people don't look into alternative ways of getting better and just go straight to the drugs without thinking about the negative effects these things have on our bodies.

Ugh, I just don't have the time to make these diapers! I broke down and bought a bunch of Fuzzibunz to use on Sera in the mean time. It will hopefully get me used to cloth diapers and the washing and stuff, so when I make the switch for both of them it won't be such a big deal.

I really want to make this work.

I finally semi finished a couple of diapers! LOL I say semi finished because I still need to put the snaps on them. I was working with metal snaps, but I just can't get them to work, so I'm getting a snap press and some plastic snaps. I'm so excited! I can't wait! So, here are the two diapers I made. The blue one is a cotton knit print (Baby Lulu) on the outside, a malden mills 100 wt fleece next to the baby's skin, and a 3 layer hemp terry soaker on the inside. It still needs a cover though. The pink one is a cotton knit outside, malden mills microfleece against the skin, a layer of 2 mil PUL next to the cotton knit, and a 3 layer hemp terry soaker with a layer of microfleece towards the PUL to hopefully increase the waterproofness (is that even a word?) of the diaper. It is an AIO (all in one) so it won't need a cover. The PUL (polyurethane laminate) is waterproof.

I can't wait to make more! I'm trying to think of a way to make a pocket diaper with a knit print on the outside rather than PUL since it would be cuter that way :) I'm planning on making dresses, blankets, burp rags and booties to match Sera's diapers. If I get any good at it, I'm hoping that maybe I can sell them. As of now, they're nowhere near good enough to sell, but hopefully with practice...

I'm going to adjust the pattern a bit and see if I can come up with my own unique diapers so I don't have to worry about patents or copyrights or whatever should I actually decide to sell them.

My mother in law is down here visiting! The kids were aboslutely thrilled to see her. She had never seen Sera before, so it was very nice that she was able to come visit while Sera is still little. She lives in Hawaii, so it's not exactly easy to come and visit! We're planning on hopefully getting out there to visit her next summer. My personal preference would be to go sans kids, but that wouldn't be fair to the grandparents. We know it's not us they're interested in seeing. LOL

So, the three older kids spent the night at the hotel with my mother in law last night. I'm sure they had a blast. They called me today from pool side where they had ordered room service and were happily chowing down on hotdogs and french fries! Then she took them to Starbucks to get drinks. They have her wrapped around their little fingers. I don't mind though, I'm getting an iced latte out of the deal when they get home ;)

We didn't see any fireworks or anything yesterday. That was a bit of a bummer. I'm semi glad though as they probably would have woken up the babies, which is always a pain in the butt. However, it didn't really feel like the fourth without fireworks!

The fourth of July brings me mixed emotions. We used to go to Aptos beach, have a fire, play in the ocean and watch fireworks. After my dad died...we didn't do that anymore. It's just too difficult to continue old family traditions. They feel so empty without him around. He was always the one that made days at the beach so much fun...building sand castles, burying us in the sand, making food, etc. He was always so happy and full of life. I have so many fond memories of days at the beach with my dad. Now, the beach just doesn't hold the same charm. It seems cold and dirty and just an all around pain to be at. Funny, I didn't notice the bad things about the beach when my dad was around. I hate feeling this way though because I know my children LOVE the beach. We used to go every Friday after Drake got home from work. I hate it there though. I'm hoping that one day, happy memories of my dad will be just that...happy. That they won't make me think about what I'm missing, but will fill me with happiness thinking about the great times I had. That time hasn't come though.

Happy memories of my dad just fill me with an emptiness right now. Heck, I can't even make the same foods he did. I used to cook all the same meals I ate growing up. I can't do it anymore. When I do, all I think about is how it doesn't taste anywhere near as good as when my dad made it, or how something is missing from the meal, but I can't figure out what and I should just be able to call my dad and ask, "What did I leave out?" and he would know right away. I have a difficult time doing anything that reminds me of my dad...which includes visiting family. No matter how much I miss my family and hate being away from them, I think a part of me is happy I live so far away. It keeps me from having a constant, right there in my face, reminder that my dad is gone. At least down here, I can pretend I just live far away and that's why I don't see him and for small amounts of time, I can pretend that he's up there with mom and that everthing is happy and normal. It's nice to be able to disassociate yourself from things once in a while. But, I also worry that that disassociation keeps me from being as close to my family as I should be. I feel guilty for not being there for them. I feel guilty for not helping my mom when she doesn't have my dad there to help her. I feel guilty for missing out on family things. I feel especially guilty for not wanting to participate in family things. It's just so difficult on me. I also feel guilty for being so selfish. It's difficult on everyone. I don't miss him any more or less than the rest of my siblings do. Why should I think what I feel is so special or so unique? Yet, my siblings manage to be there for my family. They manage to help my mom, spend time with her, participate in family functions. All I want to do is sit in my car and cry when I'm faced with going in my mom's home, knowing my dad won't be there.

I acutally sat down last night and made a cloth diaper. Yes, you read that correctly...a single cloth diaper LOL It doesn't look too bad, if I do say so myself. Although Drake basically said it looks atrocious. Oh well, what does he know ;) The sewing isn't exactly straight and I had a heck of a time getting used to sewing the pieces together when one was all bunched up from the elastic, hence the crooked sewing, but it should be functional, which was my goal. It has the cutest dinosaur print. Cole is going to be upset that he's so close to potty training. He loves dinosaurs. So does Ethan though, which is why I got the fabric in the first place. I can't quite figure out how to get my snap setter to work though, so for now it's without snaps. I could go the old fashioned route and just pin it, but what a pain that would be! I think I'll start on some girly ones for Sera now. Or, I may try to make an AIO boy one to see how that goes. I need to make some covers as well or the diapers are pretty much useless.

After the diapers are done, I'm going to make blankets, dresses and booties out of the same material. Sera will have all matching sets. I'm so excited about that!

Apparently all my hair needed was some time to set in. It is definitely burgandy now. It's almost as vibrant as I wanted it! No pictures yet though because I'm having a bad hair day. Okay, it's because I haven't done anything to my hair today. I was up until 5:30 this morning working on that diaper, so I've just been too tired to do much of anything today. My hair is especially vibrant in the sun, which is really nice!

I took the cutest picture of Sera yesterday. I'm so bummed that the picture turned out so blurry though :(

So, instead of dying Cole's hair, I decided to dye my own. Okay, so I've been planning on it for about a week, but I finally got around to doing it this morning. It's still wet, so you can't see the real color yet, but when it is dry, I'll post a pic :)

Here it is before:


Yeah, it's not a great picture, but what do you expect from a camera phone in the mirror? The after picture will probably look just as bad. Please ignore the fact that my glasses are slipping off and I'm not wearing any makeup. Oh, and I swear the big shiny spot in the middle of my forehead is just the lighting!

Still no clippers, so no mahawk for Cole. Drake gets home from New York today and I know there's no way he'll let me do it, so Cole may just have to forgo the mohawk until Drake's next business trip, which should be next month sometime ;)


Here is the after picture I just took. My hair didn't turn out anywhere near as vibrant as I wanted it to though :( It's actually just slightly more burgandy than the picture shows, which is sad. I was hoping for a bit more burgandy. It shows up better in the sun, but I'm still disappointed.



Notice I fixed the lighting...no more shiny spot! I also put on a bit of makeup so I don't look so scary!